Free Me From Myself - Week 5 Lenten Reflection

 Free Me from Myself – Wk 5 Lenten Reflection

Free Me From Myself   Lionel Cartwright

Documents of eloquence, written down in paper makin’ ston Liberties and legalese, guarantees, I’ve cherished of my own But I find a different Lord work, deep inside my soul – That constantly conspires against my freedoms, Binding me with blinding lies I’ve carried since my youth, That I’ve mistaken for the truth,

I am a prisoner of my past, A hostage to my failures and slave to blind ambition Always tethered to each task, driven to perfection, Obliged to itself Oh Jesus, Jesus can you free me from myself

There’s a critic deep inside of me, a hypocrite, afraid to be found out Fraught with insecurities, riddled with anxieties and doubt Hesitation holds me back, forbidding me to fail To guard against a ruined reputation Keeping up appearances exacts a cruel cost, Oh but nothing compared to what is lost

I am a prisoner of my shame Bounded and confined in a cell of my own making No escaping from the blame It always finds me, I know it well Oh Jesus,  Jesus can you free me from myself

I am bone tired – I am so weary, I am ready to concede I am out of tries – I am down to empty

It’s your help that I need. To set me free  -  free indeed

But I find a different Lord work, deep within my soul – That constantly conspires against my freedoms, Binding me with blinding lies, I’ve carried since my youth, That I’ve mistaken for the truth,

Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus, Can you free me Jesus can you free me from myself

Things are so very different now than when I was young. Of course, all of us, women and men “of a certain age” find ourselves thinking this. As I mentioned before, the Lenten Season, aligned with the coming of Spring, inevitably these thoughts come to mind. My thought this morning was, “I miss seeing butterflies and fireflies?” They both were plentiful when I was young. The trees across from my house in Vienna, WV always were full of cocoons. As winter turned into spring, and spring to summer, I would watch caterpillars leave the cocoon, wander as caterpillars, and knew that soon I’d be watching an abundance of butterflies. And as the summer days turned to night, the fireflies would come out – so many that they were easy to catch and light up jars my siblings and I had prepared, with holes in the lid, ready for the eventful evening.

I don’t know who first explained to me the metamorphosis of the butterfly. I want to attribute it to my father, but I’m sure the explanation was a composite of many over my young years. I’m grateful for that. Safe in the cocoon – the struggle to freedom from the cocoon – the wandering as caterpillar – and the development of wings to fly. I’m sorry that this lesson isn’t as readily, visibly, and hands-on available for parents to share with their children.

As a senior now, relatively speaking, I had spent a lot of time in the safety of the cocoon. It’s easy to see my world back then as fairly small – family, friends, Church, and School were all interconnected and like-minded. Even where there were differences in denomination, ethnicity, culture, income, etc., the like-mindedness prevailed as the differences being unimportant.

My first venture outside the cocoon came when I was offered a position as the Christian Educator of a Presbyterian Church in West Palm Beach, FL. What an adventure. It was a big move. West Palm Beach was much larger than Wheeling and I had no family nearby. There was a lot of wealth and glamour in the area. I’ll never forget the first time I saw the chrome fire hydrants on Worth Ave. in Palm Beach. However, in many ways it was an extension of my cocoon. The West Palm Beach Church was very welcoming and once again, everything I did became centered around my work at the Church. And, I loved it.

But, my time in West Palm was short-lived – just one year. I loved what I was doing so much, but I soon realized that I wasn’t going to be able to move forward in my vocation unless I went to Seminary. So, a plan developed after a short time to join the Army, save money for four years, and then apply to go to Seminary. That’s when my journey outside the cocoon really started.

When I was considering joining the Army, I didn’t think of it as a move outside my world. My oldest brother had completed an enlistment as a Marine. Both of my parents were Army Veterans (Yes, my Mom wore Army Boots) and my direct ancestors from both sides of my family had been Veterans of every major war since the American Revolution. I had no idea how much my world would change once in the Army, mostly in ways that I had never expected.

I had a plan though. I was going to keep my head down, blend in and spend my time studying and preparing myself for seminary. The best laid plans …, right? Right from the start, I stood out largely due to my age. I was only 26 years old, but I quickly was nicknamed “grandpa”. I was not only older than the other members of the platoon, I was older than both my Drill Sergeants. And mostly because of their young years, I was more educated. And, on top of that, my having worked as a Christian Educator for the Presbyterian Church was part of my record – not the norm for new “privates” in the Army. While my faith, age, or education did not work against me in any way, they did not make it easy to keep my head down and blend in.

Everything about my world changed. My pay was cut by more than half. I no longer lived in my own apartment, but even after my initial training, had a roommate and was living in a Barracks. And though I entered the Army as a Private First Class, my position was still as a new enlistee and just about everyone around me outranked me and/or knew far more than me about living the Army life. Perhaps the most significant way in which my world had changed was that it had become so very much larger. I’m not just talking about people from all 50 states in the U.S., but also there were a bunch of people who had come from South Korea, the Philippines, Guam, and Puerto Rico, Vietnam among others.

Even more significant to my new world was the number of people that practiced a religious faith, other than the Christian faith. There were Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus – all who attended Chapels on Post where they could practice their faith and likely had a Chaplain assigned that was a member of their faith. Among the Christians, the Catholic, Orthodox, and many denominations of the Protestant faith were well represented, as well as Latter Day Saints and Jehovah Witnesses. Up to this point in time, I knew a great deal about the Roman Catholic faith and most of the mainline Protestant denominations, but my knowledge of the other religions or religious practices was based on what I had been told by others who did not practice those religions or had read in books authored by people who also did not practice those religions.

I found myself excited about this newly expanded world. Anytime I ate at the chow hall, I could easily engage in a conversation with someone whose life experience was so very different from mine. I learned very quickly that growing up in coastal southeast was very different than growing up, even, on the coastal northwest coast. And of course, there were many who grew up in the urban city life which is obviously different than country life. And Alaska? Or Hawaii, Guam or Puerto Rico? Truth be told, I was also a little embarrassed to have lived with such ignorance without giving much thought regarding the experiences of those who were living outside the cocoon of which I had lived. In my defense, this was before I had access to the internet and the “World Wide Web”. Yes, there was television that opened our minds to the expanded world, but part of what I was learning is that so much of what I had seen on TV was not the same as reality.

And then there were the challenges in my own religious practice. Services were always available on post, but due to the transient nature of military life, it wasn’t nearly as easy to develop a Church family. Before, both my work life and social life were completely intertwined with my faith life. It was different now.

In addition to the world around me having expanded immeasurably, my personal world changed after getting married to my life partner of 38 years, also within that first year in the Army. That first tour in the Army was a whirlwind. My first duty assignment was Ft Benning, GA. I was married 6 months later and we moved off post, just across the border to McClellan, AL. A couple of months later we bought a home in Columbus, GA. A couple of months later I was ordered to Ft. Richardson, AK. So much for the feeling of familiarity of family, friends, Church fellowship, and community that I’d known all my life.

Because everything had changed so much, I worried that my spiritual life was “backsliding” – a term that was common in my young adult years, used to describe “Christians” who were no longer living the Christian life, or were going back to their “old ways”. More accurately, I worried that others might see me that way. Inwardly, I felt as close to God as ever. I was excited about all of the changes that had gone on in my life and leaned on my faith as I navigated these changes.

The next few decades were marked by constant change, presenting new experiences. From Alaska, we moved to Missouri, then back to Wheeling, WV, back to Sacramento, CA (where Laura grew up), to St. Clairsville, OH, then back to California and then to Oregon (part-time). Laura and I have raised two kids together. With each new move, there was at least one Church, sometimes two new Churches that we’ve attended – including Catholic and Episcopal and 4 Protestant denominations.

I mention all the life changes, with new jobs, schools, and Churches, moving all over the country, and experiencing the cultures that differ from differing climate and geography and the size of the community because I believe these experiences played a critical role in the formation of my faith. For many people, digging into one creed – one network of like-minded believers and one manner of worship brings comfort and a sense of satisfaction. For me, I’ve found a wonderful peace that comes with the promise that so long as we keep Seeking, We Will Find. I’ve formed relationships with so many wonderful people of God on my journey and I’ve grown to appreciate the sincerity of their journey. I have great respect for Chaplains, whether they are military Chaplains, or not. It is their mission to be present for people – to share the light of their faith - no matter their personal beliefs. Isn’t this what Jesus did?

Now when I read Matt 28:19-20 – The Great Commission - I imagine Jesus commissioning us to Go into all the World, all Nations, everywhere, and tell everyone, whoever you may meet – with a grin on his face, knowing full well how our world will expand.

I see clearly how each step outside my cocoon led to immense growth and understanding. The diverse experiences enriched my life and have helped me see that of God in each of us.   My world had expanded, my mind had opened and my I’d felt I’d got my wings.